Don't Be Ashamed of Your Story Part Two: The Lost Teen
The crazy part is I grew up in church my whole life. I was involved in the church. I didn’t mind going either. I loved it, but did I receive the word? Did I take it seriously? The answer is no. If my roots were solid in Christ the light bulb would have went off as I was walking around Calvert High School. Knowing that Christ loves me, and He indeed thought I was worth saving. In high school was where a lot of the roots started to manifest in my heart, and mind.
I walked the halls of my high school with low self esteem, and envy. I wanted to be like the other girls and have the nice clothes, cars, a cell phone, and etc. I wanted to have the guys talk about me the way they did my peers. “Oh she fine, she phat, I’d smash.” Instead I got the opposite. I got called kermit, bones, lil body, etc... The most pain came from when my own cousin would make fun of me. She would come out of nowhere and yell “Le’nae has chin hair.” I was so embarrassed. Do you ever sit back and say “what did I ever do to you?” Last year I knew that I was still struggling with insecurities because I was over the same cousin’s house and she said “Le’nae do you remember when ____ used to call you kermit.” Everyone laughing. I was so mad and hurt, but I tried to cover it up. The lie that I am ugly stayed with me until this year. I never had no one tell me I was beautiful, and even if they did I thought they were lying. I conditioned myself to see, think, and hear negative thoughts.
I was so lost trying to fit in, and cover up my low self esteem. Everyone talking about what they did over the weekend. Have good stories, and all I have is sitting at home watching The Notebook crying my eyes out. Sex stories floating around, and I am still a virgin. It got so bad that one night when I was with my family I acted as if I was going to have sex with this guy. They would tell me to shut up because they knew I was not about that life. Trying to be someone I am not, so I can get approval from my peers. I was crazy to think that sex would cure my problems. Crazy to think that having sex would make me somebody. I am so blessed that the Lord saved me from the damage that sex could have done to me. Don’t get me wrong my first boyfriend came along, and I tried to have sex with him, and it did not happen. I thank God for that!!!!! I could have lost my virginity at the age of sixteen. I chased after love and approval from people. I got rejected so many times in high school. It was like every dude that I liked did not like me back. Can you imagine the feeling. What's wrong with me? Why does no one like me? I must be really ugly? The crazy part is I would still like them even though I knew they did not like me. I was that thirsty for love and affection. I still felt unloved and unwanted. I was determined to be someone else because the real Le’nae was not working out for me.
Rejection is defined as the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc. Also, the spurning of a person's affections. Spurning means to brush off. Not only does rejection affect your heart, but it can hurt someone else's. The main person the spirit of rejection can hurt is God. You have been rejected by people and you think God is going to reject you too. I was one of those people. My relationship with the Lord was clouded. The good news is we serve a loving, and compassionate God. He knows your painful places, and yet still pursues you even when you might turn Him away. It is a process, and I am not speaking to you as if I mastered it, but I do know I am healing. If you let Him he can heal your wounds too! I have some scriptures for you to meditate on. Rejection and insecurities were the root for my strongholds. It is a dangerous hinderance. It is painful. It does not matter how long it has been there, God can uproot that spirit! I pray that His love, word, and spirit meets you where you are right now. I pray that His wings will cover you and comfort you in the midst of your pain. I pray that when He takes you back to those hurtful times that you will understand that He is showing you what needs to be uprooted, and it is for your good.I pray that you allow Him to heal, deliver, and set you free!!!!!
Meet me back here on Tuesday May 30th for part three the found adult.
Ephesians 1:6 "6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved."
"12 Then our sons in their youth
will be like well-nurtured plants,
and our daughters will be like pillars
carved to adorn a palace."
"14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
"10 Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention:
Forget your people and your father’s house.
11 Let the king be enthralled by your beauty;
honor him, for he is your lord."
Ephesians 1:3-6 "3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he[a] predestined us for adoption to sonship[b] through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves."
John 6:37 "37 All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."
This is my current read ladies. Daily I have to fill myself with God's truth and love. I choose to stay free, and so should you! I wil get this book if I were you!